It is generally believed that happiness for women is to get married. Or better yet, to fall in love and then get married. This usually means that single women are miserable and are desperately looking for a man to love them. However, many married women (or not married, but in love with a man) are miserable and some single women are very happy with their lives and have no plans of changing such a status. Against this fact, the argument is invariably the same: happy single women are just pretending they are happy; deep inside they are eager to find someone to love them. So, no matter where the conversation begins, it always ends in the same place. It’s exhausting, really. Obviously, this question doesn’t apply to men. In fact, single men are often seen as people who are enjoying life, who are free and careless, especially the successful and rich ones. Apparently, they have no need for love. They can have all the women they want and that’s good enough for them. Only women have a (pathological) need for it, it seems.

Instead of considering that happiness is different for women and men, maybe we should consider that happiness is just different from person to person, regardless of being a man or a woman. Some people need to be loved to be happy and some people are happy with their jobs. Some people want to have children and others don’t. Some people want to get married and others don’t. Some people love to travel and change scenery every chance they get, others like to stay put, maybe having a holiday home. All this, regardless of being a woman or a man.

Happiness is when what it should be equals the reality of what is. In other words, it’s when everything goes well. This is different from those situations when apparently all goes well, but you have a feeling that something is wrong. We tend to ignore that feeling because rationally we think we shouldn’t feel like that. We live as there is a guide on how to live and how to be happy. And now there are apps that set goals for us and tell us how to achieve those goals. Instead of actually living life as it is, we spent our time trying to live the life we are supposed to live.

This is not just in our personal life, but also in our professional life. Especially now, with Chief Happiness Officers controlling people’s “well-being”. They make sure workers are feeling excited about the projects they are involved in, they enjoy the food and drinks provided for free by the employer, they go to office parties and don’t miss the team building workshops, the mindfulness sessions, and the sports events organised by the company. In some organisations, like Google, they even have a playground so people can relax during office hours and have fun. “Fun” is the key word. People are forced to have fun everywhere, smile all the time and show enthusiasm about everything. It’s stressful and exhausting.

Then, in their (rare) spare time, people are almost forced to show themselves having fun on social media: dinners with friends, idyllic weekends with lovers, luxurious holidays abroad. Besides, buying expensive objects is perceived as highlights of happiness. Every day, we are bombarded by ways of spending money and wealthy people are seen as examples to follow. Therefore, the plan is: getting a highly paid job in order to have enough money to spend it on all the things mentioned. Relationships with other people are like products to be consumed or theatrical stages to show off one’s wealth. Being admired is mistaken for being happy.

Expectations are also at the root of happiness (or unhappiness). We create many expectations about our lives, our jobs, our families, our friends. Partly, these expectations come from the “guide” about how to live and what to buy. Adverts show happy families (or happy young people) buying stuff and living in luxury as saying: “this is the happy life; this is your goal”. The expectation is, thus, if we buy that product, it will make us happy just like those people in the adverts. Experiences are the next level of this idea. It is not enough to buy a car; we now need to buy an adventurous car. It is not enough to go to the gym; we need to pay a personal trainer and sign up in triathlon and marathon events. It is not enough to travel abroad; we need to go to an exotic country and have an adventure. Always something more, always more exclusive, always more expensive.

For women, additional pressure comes from the expectation to become mothers. Drama can set in when women who want children have trouble getting pregnant. Fertility treatments, which are presented as an alternative, are painful, expensive, and draining. Draining for women and draining for their husbands or partners. And can drag on for years; more than one treatment may be needed. When they finally become mothers, the pressure is on for them to be “perfect moms”, whatever that means. They are considered “lucky” if they have the help of their husbands or partners, but still the responsibility on their shoulders is enormous.

All in the name of happiness. Is it worth it? Perhaps. Some people do find happiness in the middle of this chaos. Others just pretend (following the motto “fake it until you make it”). The truth is there are no rules to be happy. We made up rules to deceive ourselves or to help us cope with sadness and suffering. Thinking positive has its benefits, but, if its main objective is to ignore negative feelings, then it can be pointless. “Bad” feelings need to be felt alongside the “good” feelings. That’s how we see the difference. Sometimes they are intertwined. As the saying goes: «good things can come from bad situations». And vice-versa.